Arranged Marriage vs Love Marriage is a hot button topic both in the West, and as I have found out over the past year, in the Middle East. In the Middle East and in parts of Asia and Africa, arranged marriage remains a very common, yet controversial custom. I have been examining both sides of the arranged vs love marriage debate to find out more about opinions on the pros and cons of arranged marriage vs love marriage from my colleagues in Qatar.
Many of my colleagues have had their marriages arranged and I have been noticing over the past year that the discussions we have around the breakfast and lunch tables about husbands and wives are strikingly similar to those that I have with my friends about their love marriages at home. The complaints are the same, "he never picks up his socks " and "he would not know where anything in the house was unless I told him", and "she changes her mind constantly", and "she expects me to read her mind" etc.
I had a number of questions. Are love marriages actually more successful than arranged marriages? If so, why? Do opinions on love vs arranged marriages differ by religion? By culture? Nationality? Are those who are in arranged marriages forced into the marriages by their families? Were they happy in their arranged marriages? Were they happy in their love marriages? What makes marriage a success?
All discussions on this topic that I had with my colleagues from around world were lively, passionate, interesting, thoughtful and at times painful. Here are their stories...
Sheila is a devout Christian from a traditional, religious family in Colombo, Sri Lanka. Other than being joyful (as you can see from her megawatt smile), she is honest, hardworking, and a dedicated professional. Sheila has six sisters, whom all had arranged marriages by her family. Sheila married for love when she was 27 years old to a man that she met at work. She had to work very hard to convince her parents and her extended family to accept her husband, who spoke another language (Singhalese vs her Tamil) and was from a different religion (Catholic vs her Pentecostal) and from a different socioeconomic background. Sheila and Shelton finally overcame all barriers to their union, and are still very happily married today. She believes that her love marriage was meant to be, and considers finding Shelton a blessing as he remains her best friend and her true love.
Khaled is a Muslim who was born and lived his entire life in Doha, Qatar. Khaled is clever, warm and has a terrific, long-suffering sense of humor - demonstrated daily as he constantly teased by the 20 females he shares an office with. Since his family originally is from Palestine, he remains "passport-less" to this day. Khaled hopes to one day find true love and a partner for life and his parents support this position. The only qualifier (other than he needs to love her in good times and bad times) is that she is a good and kind person. He has a strong commitment to family and believes that it is very important to know his future wife very well before marriage. He considers marriage to be for "good and for bad forever" and wants to know all about her "bad" side before he ties the knot.
Saja is a Muslim from Amman, Jordan and is an intelligent, committed and a thoughtful colleague. She does not speak much, but when she does she provides a considered, weighty response. Saja wants to make sure I understand that she considers there to be two categories of arranged marriages, the first being a "Forced Arranged Marriage" and the second being just an "Arranged Marriage". She describes the "Forced Arranged Marriage" as when one or both families decide on a spouse for their child and the potential bride and/or groom have no choice in the matter. She explains that "Arranged Marriages" in Jordan are simply part of a family introduction where the couple is suggested to be a good match, and then there is a "courting" period when the man and woman are able to meet and get to know each other. After this courting period, if either party is not satisfied with the match they are able to opt out of the relationship and the marriage. This is the type of arranged marriage that is most common in Jordan. Saja would be fine with either an arranged marriage or a love marriage, provided her partner is Muslim.
Khalid was born in and has lived his entire life in Doha, Qatar. Khalid is a self-assured and outgoing man from a traditional Muslim family, originally from Iran. Khalid no longer believes in arranged marriages as he was once married via an arranged marriage which ended in divorce. He said something quite funny, yet profound in describing marriage, "Marriage is like a Kinder Surprise - You Never Really Know What's Inside". He believes that the main reason for the failure of his marriage is that he did not know the person he married before the marriage. Next time, he would like to have the opportunity to spend time and have conversations with a potential partner to get to know her more deeply. He firmly believes that he would need to marry a Muslim woman from a similar socioeconomic background as he and his family. He believes that the man should provide all income for the family and should pay his wife a monthly allowance (if she has her own salary or not), and that she should spend her salary and her allowance at her own discretion. He hopes to marry again, but next time, he will marry for love.
Doaa is a Muslim who was born and lived her entire life in Doha, Qatar. She is a strong, loving, active, and fun-loving woman. Her family is from Palestine, but she has never been to Palestine. She and her husband met and fell in love while studying together at a university in Cairo, Egypt. They dated for seven years before getting married. Three of those seven years was spent entirely apart as, her betrothed was doing mandatory military service for his country (Egypt). Her parents were against their marriage from the start, as they felt that he was not financially ready to support a family. Doaa worked hard, saved up, arranged his accommodation and visa, and helped him find a job so that he could come to Doha. After a long struggle, he moved to and settled in Doha, and they were married. Doaa would not agree to an arranged marriage - she believes that love marriages are the best way to choose a future husband or wife, as you get a chance to know your future partner before actually marrying them. Doaa is now happily married and plans to raise her children and stay with her husband for life.
Faisa is a Muslim woman from Mogadishu, Somalia who very recently married. Faisa is a gorgeous, light-hearted, confident woman. She and her husband were introduced through their family and friends, and they subsequently had a courting period that lasted 18 months. Faisa's marriage was arranged but she is very clear in telling me that she was not forced into the marriage (she doesn't do anything she does not want to do). She feels that she fell in love with her now husband over their courting period. Her husband is currently living in the USA, and she is living in Doha. This arrangement suits her well for now, as their times spent together after their times spent apart, are like honeymoons over and over again.
Rana is a Christian from Madaba, Jordan who believes that love marriage is the best way to find your soul mate. Rana is an intelligent, thoughtful and a well-spoken professional woman. Rana and her husband married for love and have been happily married for 16 years. Her parents accepted her love marriage, but would not look kindly upon a divorce. She believes that the secret to her marriage is the fact that the foundation of her relationship with her husband is a solid, true friendship.
In all of the very lively debates, there was more overall agreement than disagreement. In all of the discussions there were many common threads and themes.
There was agreement with the idea that "Marriage is Like a Kinder Surprise - You Never Really Know What's Inside" and that in both arranged and love marriages, people often act one way before marriage, and can become quite different after marriage and do change over time. You never really know what you are getting until your egg is unwrapped and undone.
Christian and Muslim men and women from Asia, Africa and the Middle East all vehemently agreed that there needs to be an element of choice in a marriage by both parties and that there needs be a courting period when a couple can get know one another, communicate, and agree upon shared values for a marriage and a life together. Everyone agreed that arranged marriages should not be forced. Everybody agreed that there is strong social and cultural stigma surrounding divorce. Those that had been divorced expressed pain and grief when talking about their experiences.
It seems there is no one right answer or one right side of this debate. Love marriages fail. Arranged marriages fail. Christian marriages fail and Muslim marriages fail. The common thread that weaves through the stories from all around the world about marriage, irrespective of religion or culture, is the need for personal choice, respect, communication, hard work and above all, love.
And, there was collective dismay expressed over why men can never seem to find their own socks.
